Mr Salt n Vinegar

So as my previous blog post stated, my dating life isn’t going all that well, one could even describe it as a joke. Well I would describe it as a joke. Only I would encounter the ridiculous situations I do.

While my friends go out meeting lovely and charming men, making them their boyfriends, I am in limbo – on the ‘first date curse’ where everyone I meet is an absolute weirdo. I’m also on the ‘tinder buzz’ and have had an alarming amount of dick pics sent to me in the past week…not sure whether I should be flattered or concerned.

The other week a work friend came back to the office exclaiming that she had made a sale and gotten me a date at the same time – everyone immediately celebrated which of course begged me to question, ‘oh god am I that lonely loser?!’ Brushing it off, my work friend raved and rabbited on about this guy she had just met – he was 27, smart, funny and a business owner. Ok this sounded impressive. She told me that I didn’t really have a say in the matter as she had already handed over my number and he was going to contact me sometime in the next day or two to set up a date. OH GOD I thought, I am horrible on first dates. Around my friends and family I’m vivacious and extroverted, but in front of a potential lovvveerrr for a first date? They’re met with an awkward, stumbling, stuttering version of myself. Saaa cute.

So said suitor contacted me and we decided to go to dinner. He had great chat over text so I thought why not. I met him at the restaurant and found him immediately, he had a big dorky grin on his face which immediately made me feel at ease. We actually had good chat and had a lot in common. Though there were things that immediately turned me off:

1 – He complained about the food taking so long – leave the poor waitress alone she looked horrified!
2 – He said that he hardly drunk or went out (I didn’t admit to him that I’m a borderline alcoholic who goes out and gets white girl wasted every weekend)
3 – He reminded me of my brother. Yes my brother which isn’t the comparison you want on a first date.

But because he was so nice and sent me a lovely follow up text (boys take note – always send the follow up text saying how much fun you had and complimenting her)  I couldn’t say no to a second date.  Well I could have but I felt too bad! But I suggested that we do something a bit more adventurous and less formal than a sit down dinner…rock climbing.

He was up for it so we went along and got harnessed up. It was almost immediate that I had regretted going on the second date;

1 – He commented not once, not twice, but four times about how he was excited to belay me while I was climbing and stare up at my bum. What kind of reaction was I meant to have to that??
2 – When he began to sweat, the smell protruding from him was reminiscent of salt n vinegar chips – definitely not my favourite flavour.
3 – He was far too competitive. I’m naturally a very competitive person, love to win, hate to lose, but he took it to a whole other level when he won the harmless race we had and screamed YOU LOSE in my face
4 – The lady at the counter walked up to me and asked if I had dropped my undies (there was a pair on the floor next to the wall we had just been at) I jokingly said no my undies are in my bag to which he looked at me like I was a complete psychopath. He clearly didn’t understand my brilliant humour 😉
5 – When we got back to my flat he awkwardly invited himself in – saying that he had an hour to spare (spare for what? just go home?!) and asked if he could come inside for a cup of tea (on my shelf at my flat I have a variety of things – Japanese mayonnaise, rice crackers and baked beans – but no tea) So I had to make a quick excuse as to why he couldn’t and leave it as that.

Don’t get me wrong – he was a lovely guy and has a lot of things going for him but sometimes you just can’t fake a ‘spark’, it’s either there or it isn’t. So unfortunately no third date for Mr. Salt n Vinegar.

A series of misfortunate events

Over the past month my dating life can only be defined as a ‘series of misfortunate events’…

Example One: The Catfish 

Having visited Christchurch to see one of my best friends last year I was scrolling my way through potential suitors on Tinder. I matched with someone I’ll call catfish for all intent and purposes. Catfish looked cute on his profile and had terrific banter but we didn’t end up meeting. I went back to Auckland and we continued chatting on a weekly basis. So when I had planned another trip to Christchurch just a month ago I was obviously excited to potentially meet up with this intriguing catfish (I had actually been referring to him as a catfish to which he repeatedly said he wasn’t) we had still been talking lots and he said he was excited to finally meet me! He’d even made specific plans to take me to dinner. So I get to Christchurch and I don’t hear from catfish. I message him asking where he’s at and got no response?  I decided not to let it ruin my trip because after all I was there to see my friend, but the whole time I was there I hadn’t heard a whisper. The night I get back to Auckland I receive a video apology (wasn’t sure this was even a thing?) saying he had been ‘caught up’ with family issues and that he was really sorry….

Example Two: The Methven Cyclist

Whilst I was pretending not to care about catfish blatantly ignoring me I decided to get on the wines and go to a BYO where I met potentially the rowdiest group of males I’d ever had the pleasure(?) of meeting. One of said males was someone I’ll refer to as Brent. Brent was the life of the party – on par with how drunk I was we clicked immediately. He was tall dark and handsome. We got to talking and found out a little bit about each other – he was a primary school teacher (swoon) from Methven. Where the fuck is Methven? Oh that’s right it’s a teeny tiny city with a population of about 1000. He tells me that Methven’s so small he doesn’t have a car, and cycles to work (swoon x 2) This country boy was gorgeous so I couldn’t resist giving him a cheeky pash. That was until the lady told us to get out of the pokey room at the casino. Yes I’m a true romantic. So back to Auckland I went and said goodbye to the Methven cyclist who I’ll probably never see again.

Example Three: The Lizard

Jumping back on Tinder I didn’t have high hopes but matched with someone who we’ll call Dan. Dan had a lot of pictures on his profile and in each of them looked cute. He had just moved to New Zealand for work from Australia and because I love a guy with an accent we planned to meet up. I met him in town for a drink and while the banter was good and he was cute in real life, there was no ‘spark’, no instant connection or day dreams about him being my future husband.. My realization of the no ‘spark’ was potentially because of a few reasons…
a) – He joked that he was going to push me off the balcony – jokes about killing me on first date? Woah save it for the second date buddy!
b) – I became a bit tiddly and when he went in for a kiss I thought why not. But I wasn’t prepared for him to morph into a lizard who would dart his tongue in and out of my mouth like he was trying to find something? Sorry Dan had my tonsils taken out years ago. On second thought, maybe this has worked for him in the past?
c) – He asked me if I had an ‘inside voice’ – NO I CLEARLY DON’T DAN.

So, all in all my dating life is going swimmingly…..

To All The Single Ladies

As I find myself the Beyonce ‘single lady’ amongst my group of friends I’m often bombarded with questions including, but not limited to, “so who are you seeing?” “are you ok?” or my favourite, “don’t worry I’ll set you up with someone ok?” My friends and family seem to worry about my lack of dates or lack of current boyfriend as if there’s something wrong with ME.  As if they believe I’m sat at home cry-wanking at night about not having a significant other. That I’m writing in my diary about my longing for someone to hold me at night, my tears soaking the pages.  As if it couldn’t possibly be the case that I’m actually OK being single, OK with being by myself and OK not having a man in my life.

Being in that awkward stage where half the people you know from school are getting married, having children and purchasing homes, and the other half don’t know what the heck they’re doing, I would definitely categorize myself in the latter category. Just about to embark on my OE the mere thought of settling down, buying a home or having kids is terrifying to me. I don’t know what I want, where I want to live or what tomorrow will bring let alone the future. And guess what, that is absolutely a-ok with me. As a control freak in the past I’m trying to let things be, let things naturally happen the way they’re meant to and live by the mantra of if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

But what is this overwhelming need for women to have men in their lives? To have someone on the go, to have a date every night of the week, to have someone to text or booty call on a Saturday night.  We find ourselves constantly pressured to find a boyfriend, or a husband before it’s too late and the good ones are taken. It’s been ingrained in our subconscious that within mere minutes of meeting someone we’re doodling their last name after ours, picking our bridesmaids dresses and wondering what your children will look like. (Yes women are creeps). But isn’t this way of thinking just setting yourself up for disappointment? It puts impossible pressure on them and yourself, something that you just can’t live up to.

So to those people that are so deeply concerned with my singledom, be rest assured that I’m fine. I’m enjoying my 20’s, enjoying partying every weekend, enjoying having nights to myself to catch up on my favourite shows. Enjoying not having to answer to anyone, to check in with anyone or doing things I don’t particularly want to do. Enjoying not having to entertain someone else’s friends or family, enjoying spending time with my own friends and family by myself. To put it simply, I’m enjoying my life. There’s nothing “wrong” with me that I’m single. I am by myself because I want to be. Being by yourself and happy is something I’m proud of so anyone with a contrasting opinion can tell their story walking.

I also don’t need to be set up. Although I’m flattered that my friends want to see me happy with someone, I’m not interesting in dating someone’s friends brother’s uncle’s ex boyfriend. I also don’t want to be set up at clubs and bars – that drunk guy who’s sloppily dancing isn’t really my type…no matter how drunk I am. Sure I’m happy to get my flirt on, awkwardly dance with someone I think is a mega babe, but most of all, I go out to have a good time with my friends, not to meet a potential husband. I go out to have a boogie, to get a bit horsed, make a bit of a dick of myself, and have a laugh. One night stands and husband hunting is just not my thing.

Don’t get me wrong. If I came across my dream man I would snatch that man up in a fishing net and never let him go. But in the mean time, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I don’t need dat drama…

                            

Of course we all want to find that special someone someday, but in the mean time, here are 12 reasons’s to be happy that someday is not today.

1. You can hang out with members of the opposite sex and it in’t the biggest deal in the world

2. You can watch whatever you like, this includes the romantic comedies they hated. You can also binge-watch your favourite series

3. Flirting is now permitted and encouraged

4. You can be as disgusting and lazy as you like – this includes but is not limited to, eating in bed, leaving crumbs in bed, burping and farting.

5. You can be el-natural-woman – yes this means letting your bush be BUSHY. Grow that armpit hair, grow that leg hair, be freeeeee!

6. You don’t have to pretend to like his asshole friends

7. Every night is girl’s night!

8. You don’t have to wear those lacy underwear to impress anyone…unless you’re going out of course and are on heat looking for some action.

9. You’re free to try out dating fads such as Tinder (been there, done that and completely recommend… if you’re looking for a deadbeat guy out for a cheeky root that is)

10. You can sleep diagonally on the bed – you don’t have to share your duvet or bed space with anyone!

11. Better and wilder stories. You’re now the dating prowess to your friends, you have endless crazy date and hook up stories and though they don’t end up “happily ever after”, they’re entertaining nonetheless.

12. You can be spontaneous – drop everything and go for an impromptu road trip, go drinking after work randomly, or pack up your life and move overseas, the world is now your oyster to make decisions on your own. Basically, you can do whatever the fuck you like.