L E S S O N S

As I move forward into my quintessential quarter life crisis I thought I’d share my pearls of wisdom that I’ve learnt along the way. I think the older I get, the more I value the friendships and relationships I have. Quality over quantity people! I’d also like to think that my ‘bullshit’ mere is pretty spot on, or at least, getting sharper – I’m able to spot a fuckboy from a mile away and ninja my way out of awkward situations.

The Lessons

1. Patience is virtue – although it might not be my virtue, it’s something that I’ve deemed to be important.  This means not going home with the first fella that gives you a sly wink and waiting for the second…I kid I kid!
I vow to not rush into things and realise that good things come to those who wait.

2. Everyone is going to get engaged, married and have babies – although the mere thought of a serious commitment or having babies is vomit inducing to me, I can appreciate that it might seem like rainbows and sunshine to others
I vow to not feel the need to jump on the bandwagon of serious monogamy and procreation

3. Friendships come and go – and that’s ok. People come in and out of your life for a reason so if they’re not adding anything to your life, let them go!
I vow to realise when friendships are negative and let them run free.

4. Fries before guys – self explanatory really, I love fries and they are more important than guys
I vow to always eat fries.

5. It’s ok to splurge once in a while – if you’ve had your eye on a dress, pair of shoes or piece of jewellery, splurge now while you only have yourself to look after!
I vow to buy that dress I’ve had my eye on

6. Be grateful – don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on all the things you do have, your health, your friends, your family. Positive minds breed a positive life
I vow to be grateful for all that I have

7. That guy that you think is the end all and be all isn’t – I’ve learnt this the hard way but am grateful for the experience as it’s taught me I can get over anyone/anything
I vow to not be so hung up on anyone that I can’t see past them

8. Being a slag every now and then is ok – but probably not a good permanent life decision
I vow to let my inner slag dance that slaggy dance

9. Obsessing over what you look like is a waste of time – you’ll never truly be happy or satisfied so why waste your time worrying if you’ve done enough exercise or punishing yourself for eating that slice of cake?
I vow to not stress about what I look like or how much I weigh…and to eat that slice of cake

10. Travel! Go forth and see the world and all that it has to offer! I leave on my adventure in 19 days and counting and cannot wait!
I vow to see and experience everything that’s on offer

11. Treat Yo Self – have that facial, get that pedicure, wax that fanny, put yourself (and your goodies) first
I vow to always keep it hair free and fancy free

12. Life isn’t fair – shit happens. It’s how you deal with it that matters. You’re also going to fail, and that’s ok too, you’re not made to be perfect.
I vow to not be knocked down when shitty things happen

Your life only matters if you make it matter.
You only matter if you decide that you matter.

A series of misfortunate events

Over the past month my dating life can only be defined as a ‘series of misfortunate events’…

Example One: The Catfish 

Having visited Christchurch to see one of my best friends last year I was scrolling my way through potential suitors on Tinder. I matched with someone I’ll call catfish for all intent and purposes. Catfish looked cute on his profile and had terrific banter but we didn’t end up meeting. I went back to Auckland and we continued chatting on a weekly basis. So when I had planned another trip to Christchurch just a month ago I was obviously excited to potentially meet up with this intriguing catfish (I had actually been referring to him as a catfish to which he repeatedly said he wasn’t) we had still been talking lots and he said he was excited to finally meet me! He’d even made specific plans to take me to dinner. So I get to Christchurch and I don’t hear from catfish. I message him asking where he’s at and got no response?  I decided not to let it ruin my trip because after all I was there to see my friend, but the whole time I was there I hadn’t heard a whisper. The night I get back to Auckland I receive a video apology (wasn’t sure this was even a thing?) saying he had been ‘caught up’ with family issues and that he was really sorry….

Example Two: The Methven Cyclist

Whilst I was pretending not to care about catfish blatantly ignoring me I decided to get on the wines and go to a BYO where I met potentially the rowdiest group of males I’d ever had the pleasure(?) of meeting. One of said males was someone I’ll refer to as Brent. Brent was the life of the party – on par with how drunk I was we clicked immediately. He was tall dark and handsome. We got to talking and found out a little bit about each other – he was a primary school teacher (swoon) from Methven. Where the fuck is Methven? Oh that’s right it’s a teeny tiny city with a population of about 1000. He tells me that Methven’s so small he doesn’t have a car, and cycles to work (swoon x 2) This country boy was gorgeous so I couldn’t resist giving him a cheeky pash. That was until the lady told us to get out of the pokey room at the casino. Yes I’m a true romantic. So back to Auckland I went and said goodbye to the Methven cyclist who I’ll probably never see again.

Example Three: The Lizard

Jumping back on Tinder I didn’t have high hopes but matched with someone who we’ll call Dan. Dan had a lot of pictures on his profile and in each of them looked cute. He had just moved to New Zealand for work from Australia and because I love a guy with an accent we planned to meet up. I met him in town for a drink and while the banter was good and he was cute in real life, there was no ‘spark’, no instant connection or day dreams about him being my future husband.. My realization of the no ‘spark’ was potentially because of a few reasons…
a) – He joked that he was going to push me off the balcony – jokes about killing me on first date? Woah save it for the second date buddy!
b) – I became a bit tiddly and when he went in for a kiss I thought why not. But I wasn’t prepared for him to morph into a lizard who would dart his tongue in and out of my mouth like he was trying to find something? Sorry Dan had my tonsils taken out years ago. On second thought, maybe this has worked for him in the past?
c) – He asked me if I had an ‘inside voice’ – NO I CLEARLY DON’T DAN.

So, all in all my dating life is going swimmingly…..

‘That’ Girl at the Clurrrrb

So this weekend I headed out to a BYO with a group of girlfriends. Ready for some banter, drinks and a boogie I was a bottle of wine deep in no time. But of course it didn’t stop there, not realising my limits (when will I learn) I was bought drinks, bought some myself, and turned into a thirsty, wild animal who couldn’t get enough of the demon juice we know as alcohol.

Now we all know ‘that’ girl at the club. That one who’s just the drunkest person there, not making sense, probably falling over, crying or hitting on everyone insight. We all have those nights and on Saturday, it was my turn. I became a sloppy menace to my friends….and society. Ok ok I wasn’t that bad but what tipped me off was seeing (or what I thought was) my ex’s friend. Yelling out to them they ignored me which seemed to turn me into a bawling mess of self pity. Crying in the toilet cubicles to my poor best friend about how much I missed my ex was the tipping point and when I was taken home by another caring friend.

Waking up in the morning was painful and not just because of my thrashing headache (you know the ones where it feels like you’re brain is flipping…just me? ok…) but also because I instantly felt embarrassed and regretful. Embarrassed that I had totally waaa’d on to my friends and embarrassed that I had actually admitted out loud that I missed him. I was getting really good at ignoring these types of thoughts.

They say it takes half the time that you’re with someone to get over them and I just don’t know if that’s true. Maybe you carry around a little bit of hurt from each relationship you have? Maybe that hurt never truly goes away? I think your heart and your head are always fighting with each other. My head is always (usually) reasonable, logical and full of wisdom while my heart makes me feel quite the opposite. While I know ex’s are ex’s for a reason and that they end for a reason, meaning there’s something bigger and better just round the corner, my heart has a harder time of letting go, of memories we shared, laughs we had and what could have been.  But maybe this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Having relationships past and present is all about memories, remembering the times you shared and realising that not all friendships or relationships are forever. Remembering that its OK to miss someone and that it’s never something I should be embarrassed or regretful about. People in relationships don’t have it perfect all the time, so of course it’s the same for all the single ladies.

To All The Single Ladies

As I find myself the Beyonce ‘single lady’ amongst my group of friends I’m often bombarded with questions including, but not limited to, “so who are you seeing?” “are you ok?” or my favourite, “don’t worry I’ll set you up with someone ok?” My friends and family seem to worry about my lack of dates or lack of current boyfriend as if there’s something wrong with ME.  As if they believe I’m sat at home cry-wanking at night about not having a significant other. That I’m writing in my diary about my longing for someone to hold me at night, my tears soaking the pages.  As if it couldn’t possibly be the case that I’m actually OK being single, OK with being by myself and OK not having a man in my life.

Being in that awkward stage where half the people you know from school are getting married, having children and purchasing homes, and the other half don’t know what the heck they’re doing, I would definitely categorize myself in the latter category. Just about to embark on my OE the mere thought of settling down, buying a home or having kids is terrifying to me. I don’t know what I want, where I want to live or what tomorrow will bring let alone the future. And guess what, that is absolutely a-ok with me. As a control freak in the past I’m trying to let things be, let things naturally happen the way they’re meant to and live by the mantra of if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

But what is this overwhelming need for women to have men in their lives? To have someone on the go, to have a date every night of the week, to have someone to text or booty call on a Saturday night.  We find ourselves constantly pressured to find a boyfriend, or a husband before it’s too late and the good ones are taken. It’s been ingrained in our subconscious that within mere minutes of meeting someone we’re doodling their last name after ours, picking our bridesmaids dresses and wondering what your children will look like. (Yes women are creeps). But isn’t this way of thinking just setting yourself up for disappointment? It puts impossible pressure on them and yourself, something that you just can’t live up to.

So to those people that are so deeply concerned with my singledom, be rest assured that I’m fine. I’m enjoying my 20’s, enjoying partying every weekend, enjoying having nights to myself to catch up on my favourite shows. Enjoying not having to answer to anyone, to check in with anyone or doing things I don’t particularly want to do. Enjoying not having to entertain someone else’s friends or family, enjoying spending time with my own friends and family by myself. To put it simply, I’m enjoying my life. There’s nothing “wrong” with me that I’m single. I am by myself because I want to be. Being by yourself and happy is something I’m proud of so anyone with a contrasting opinion can tell their story walking.

I also don’t need to be set up. Although I’m flattered that my friends want to see me happy with someone, I’m not interesting in dating someone’s friends brother’s uncle’s ex boyfriend. I also don’t want to be set up at clubs and bars – that drunk guy who’s sloppily dancing isn’t really my type…no matter how drunk I am. Sure I’m happy to get my flirt on, awkwardly dance with someone I think is a mega babe, but most of all, I go out to have a good time with my friends, not to meet a potential husband. I go out to have a boogie, to get a bit horsed, make a bit of a dick of myself, and have a laugh. One night stands and husband hunting is just not my thing.

Don’t get me wrong. If I came across my dream man I would snatch that man up in a fishing net and never let him go. But in the mean time, I wouldn’t change a thing.