Self Love

As much as we sometimes expect to receive criticism from others, whether it be work colleagues, friends or family, I think at the end of the day we are our own worst critics.

Well I am anyways…

The other weekend I went out to a bar with friends. I was feeling hot in what I was wearing, spent lots of time getting ready, picked the ‘perfect’ outfit and danced the night away. Then on Monday morning, came the dreaded ‘you have been tagged in 2 x photos from Longroom’ notification. Panic struck. As I went online to check the photos that were taken, I wasn’t impressed. I hated the way I looked in it and immediately started nit picking everything: my hair looked greasy and unkempt, I looked chubby and my outfit wasn’t flattering, my make up did not look on fleek, the list continued. Next to me in the photos were two of my best friends, who of course, looked amazing, as they always did.

I was with a friend when I was looking through these photos and at first I wouldn’t even let him see them. He told me that I was being ridiculous and as I showed him he laughed and told me how dramatic I was. It wasn’t until the day after that it hit me how hard I am on myself. The negative thoughts I have about myself, how I look, how I act, how I think I can always be better, these thoughts take over sometimes, as I’m sure it does to many others. I’ve always been self depreciating in humour and love poking fun at myself and others, a true form of good banter in my opinion, but I hadn’t realised how much I truly believed these negative thoughts.

My best friend hates her freckles, she actually despises them. This always baffles me because she’s the type of person that could wear a potato sack and still look drop dead gorgeous. Her freckles just add to her beauty and I’m forever telling her that I wished she saw herself through my eyes. And that goes for so many people I know, they’re constantly calling themselves fat and chubby, criticising their appearance or the way they talk or behave. But like my best friend, I always tell them that they’re beautiful and if only they saw themselves through my eyes! So maybe it’s a case of taking your own advice? We should really be waving our own flags, appreciating ourselves and what makes us each unique and beautiful. I think a tough lesson of self love is in order.

Quarter Life Crisis

I have just turned 25.

I had always liked telling people I was 24, I felt like it was a ‘cool’ age, an age where you’re old enough to be taken seriously, but young enough to still be bar hopping and binge drinking in the weekend. But 25? Bleh yuck off. Don’t even get me started on being 26, 27 or OMG 30.

I’m the oldest of all my friends so I have the greatest displeasure in having the dreaded quarter life crisis first.  Symptoms of such a crisis include but are not limited to:

1 – Feeling ‘stuck’ in what you’re currently doing
2 – Feeling anxious about the future
3 – Wanting to do outlandish things and not caring about the consequences

I remember when I was younger, I had already mapped my life out. I was going to be married at 24 and have kids at 26 – two of them in fact, a boy and a girl. I had planned out my bridesmaid’s dresses, my baby’s names, everything, to a T. But here I am, in the middle of my 20’s and I have to think to myself – what have I really accomplished? What good have I done?

In a constant state of limbo, I find myself often underwhelmed, feeling like time has sped up and forgotten to take me with it. I see people on my Facebook feed getting engaged, having babies or starting up their own businesses. Each is successful in their own right. But me? I’m in a job that I’m not sure is right for me, perpetually single and not really sure what’s in store for the future. I’ve done the typical quarter life crisis ‘thing’ and booked a one way ticket to London where I leave early August – only 34 days away. I’ll be touring across Europe and finding my way in London, searching for a new job. Of course people who are having a quarter life crisis often seek this sort of adventure as a way out or escapism.

Noticeable signs I’ve noticed of my crisis:

1.  I don’t feel like an adult, but I don’t feel like a child either

2. I’m super emotional all the time always – anything from a Sam Smith song on the radio to a sad scene in an episode of Gossip Girl will leave me in a puddle of tears.

3. I think about wanderlust…often

4. I procrastinate, a lot. I know I have shit to do, shit to organize, doesn’t mean I won’t be leaving it till the last minute though.

5. I am basically a peasant. Living like a poor university student even though I have a full time job. Woohoo 2 minute noodles for lunch, again.

6. I find ‘grown up’ things like taxes and insurance really overwhelming and wish I had a personal assistant to do it for me. But because of reason 5 I can’t.

7. I cannot, for the life of me, make decisions. I’m indecisive about everything from the movie I want to watch, to the alcohol I’ll drink.

8. I’ll often look back to my college days in fondness, thinking of them as ‘simpler times’

9. I constantly think about the destined crazy cat lady life I’ll be leading, you know the one that you invite to family holidays because you feel sorry for them. But they bring their cats who are wearing holiday-appropriate clothing. See projected image of myself in a mere 8-10 years below for reference:

So basically…Peter Pan on the money.

The Thief of Joy

There’s always going to be someone that’s better than you
prettier than you
smarter than you
more popular than you
more savvy than you
better than you

It’s hard not to get caught up in those insecure feelings; feeling like you’re not good enough, like you’re second best to everyone else. I often find myself consumed in these thoughts, letting them take over the positivity I usually try and have. And once those thoughts become more frequent, it’s so hard to tell them to piss off.

F U C K B O Y

Definition:

1 – “A person who is a weak ass pussy that aint bout shit” (Urban Dictionary)
2 – Someone who is irrelevant, basic or disliked
3 – Someone who doesn’t have bae potential; mostly only likes sex or being friends with benefits.
4 – Basically someone who’s a douchebag

I’m assuming that each and every one of us has either dated, met or dealt with a fuck boy before.  They’re the ones that our friends don’t want to associate with, our parents hate and we know deep down that they’re bad for us.

But sometimes the fuck boy is hard to spot. Or they disguise themselves as a legit human being, not someone who will suck the life out of you or make you feel like turning lesbian would be an easier option.  So I’ve come up with a list of signs you are dealing with a Fuck Boy.

1. He never make plans to see you
OR they’re constantly ‘rainchecking’, making plans for night time (“I’ll just come over and watch a movie babe”) and have ‘plans’ in the morning when they sleepover. This rules out possible brunch dates which is heartbreaking as it is my favourite meal.

2. He’s always asking for nudes
They’re too busy to make actual plans with you, but they’re not too busy to ask you for nudes….or send topless snaps to you, or worse (better?) send dick pics.

3. He’s selfish in life…and in bed
You meet up with him in a club or bar and he buys himself a drink without offering you one. Likewise, you get back for humpty dumpty time and he is ever so keen for you to go down on him but is ‘too tired’ afterwards to return the favour.

4. He doesn’t believe in ‘labelling’ things
You’re been seeing him for a while now but he wants to keep things in that awkward ‘I don’t know quite what we are’ period. The reason? He hates labels. Bonus points for him that when your ‘relationship’ or whatever it is turns to the shitter, he can turn around and say “well we were never actually together…”…fuck boy.

5. He says exactly what you want to hear
Or what you think you want to hear. He’ll tell you how beautiful you are and how ‘amazing’ you are…but chances are he’s saying this to several other women (at least) which brings me to…

6. You have no idea how many other women are in his life
I recently met a guy that was the same age as me and had been married for two years and with his wife for eight years. How cute right? Well that didn’t stop him asking for a threesome and continuing to message me afterwards telling me that if I ever needed ‘taken care of’ to ‘holla’ at him…married fuck boy.

7. He plays mindfuck games with you.
Now I’m not saying someone needs to respond to my messages within minutes, but taking hours, or days even to respond? What the hell are you so busy with?

…Am I sounding cynical yet?

FOMO

FOMO; or Fear of Missing Out: An anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on a social media website

Sure it may be a naff term (can’t believe I just used the word naff) but FOMO is something I hear constantly. Whether its FOMO about missing out on a party you didn’t go to, FOMO about not going travelling when all your friends are, or FOMO on having a boyfriend when you’re stuck in singletown – population:you, FOMO is a bloody phenomenon.

But lately I’ve been feeling FOMO about nearly everything, realising that whatever choice or decision I make, I’ll miss out on something. And that’s scary. What if you don’t really know what you want and choose something only to regret it later?

Specifically these things arise from social media: Facebook, Instagram and so on. For example, I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed like I’m reading the daily newspaper, and start seeing posts of babies. Now being 24 there were a few girls from my school who got pregnant when they were younger, say 18 or 19. I had presumed that these were all woopsie daisies pregnancies and weren’t really planned. But at 24 I’m not seeing people that are ACTUALLY CHOOSING to have children. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about everyone having their own life plan and making their own choices, and good on them but I find it scary for myself that people are making those decisions to take care and nurture another life when I can barely look after myself most days! It’s a miracle I wear matching socks, I turn up to work on time and remember to eat breakfast.

Another commonality I’m finding is weddings. It feels like its engagement/wedding season lately. Every day it seems like I’m seeing a new ‘he liked it so he put a ring on it’ status alongside cute couple photos and the obligatory ring or wedding pic. Again, totally happy for these loved up couples and awesome they share their love with the world, but it scares me to think that I’m not even close to any of that. I’m still hitting up tinder and pashing guys in town on the weekend.

In less than four months I’m off to see the world. And as excited as I am to do it, I can’t help but feel anxious about what I’m leaving behind, what will I miss out on while being away? Because I’m so close to my family I’m terrified of what I’ll miss. I joke with my parents about being the favourite (I’m one of six children) BUT HOW WILL THEY COPE WITHOUT ME?!

Ok more seriously, I think the bigger questions is, how will I cope without them? Without mum to reassure me and give me reason and logical advice? Without Dad to take care of me when I’m sick? Yes I’m gaining so much in leaving and experiencing so much, but what am I leaving behind?

These sorts of thoughts and questions are leaving me anxious. The worst part is there’s no right or wrong answer, it isn’t something you can just ‘fix’. Whatever decision you make in life you’re going to be missing out on something. If you’re in a relationship, you’re missing out on being single. If you’re single you’re missing out on the companionship of a partner. If you decide to stay in and have a quiet night, you’re missing out on a potentially good party or wine night with the girls. God the list goes on but the point is no matter the situation, you’re going to get FOMO. So maybe it’s about figuring out which FOMO is the lesser devil?

God so many choices, so little time.

‘That’ Girl at the Clurrrrb

So this weekend I headed out to a BYO with a group of girlfriends. Ready for some banter, drinks and a boogie I was a bottle of wine deep in no time. But of course it didn’t stop there, not realising my limits (when will I learn) I was bought drinks, bought some myself, and turned into a thirsty, wild animal who couldn’t get enough of the demon juice we know as alcohol.

Now we all know ‘that’ girl at the club. That one who’s just the drunkest person there, not making sense, probably falling over, crying or hitting on everyone insight. We all have those nights and on Saturday, it was my turn. I became a sloppy menace to my friends….and society. Ok ok I wasn’t that bad but what tipped me off was seeing (or what I thought was) my ex’s friend. Yelling out to them they ignored me which seemed to turn me into a bawling mess of self pity. Crying in the toilet cubicles to my poor best friend about how much I missed my ex was the tipping point and when I was taken home by another caring friend.

Waking up in the morning was painful and not just because of my thrashing headache (you know the ones where it feels like you’re brain is flipping…just me? ok…) but also because I instantly felt embarrassed and regretful. Embarrassed that I had totally waaa’d on to my friends and embarrassed that I had actually admitted out loud that I missed him. I was getting really good at ignoring these types of thoughts.

They say it takes half the time that you’re with someone to get over them and I just don’t know if that’s true. Maybe you carry around a little bit of hurt from each relationship you have? Maybe that hurt never truly goes away? I think your heart and your head are always fighting with each other. My head is always (usually) reasonable, logical and full of wisdom while my heart makes me feel quite the opposite. While I know ex’s are ex’s for a reason and that they end for a reason, meaning there’s something bigger and better just round the corner, my heart has a harder time of letting go, of memories we shared, laughs we had and what could have been.  But maybe this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Having relationships past and present is all about memories, remembering the times you shared and realising that not all friendships or relationships are forever. Remembering that its OK to miss someone and that it’s never something I should be embarrassed or regretful about. People in relationships don’t have it perfect all the time, so of course it’s the same for all the single ladies.